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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591928">The Secrets we Keep</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blakpaw/pseuds/Blakpaw'>Blakpaw</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Undertale (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But they aren't real, Fell hasn't told anyone he has Haphephobia, Haphephobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Murder, Mentions of Bugs, PTSD, but he comforts himself, fear of touch, implied assault, tell me if i need to add more tags</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:36:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,459</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27591928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blakpaw/pseuds/Blakpaw</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A short story about Fell and one of his deepest darkest secrets: His struggle with Haphephobia, the fear of touch.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Secrets we Keep</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fell was a monster many knew for his strict personality and stern gaze.<br/>
<br/>
He wore confidence in every ounce of his body. He was a temple, unshakable, unbreakable, his mental and physical fortitude chased many a would be troublemaker away in Snowdin. Few that still lived there dared to cause trouble when the skeleton and his dogs were patrolling the streets, and the runaway teenagers from the forest settled themselves, kept their heads low and mouths shut.<br/>
<br/>
He earned his title as Second in Command of the Royal Guard by being ruthless. He was cruel, his temper short and fierce. Many monsters dusted at his feet, and many more stumbled home with scars to remember his harsh lessons by. Few who faced him and lived took it for granted, and those who did quickly discovered Fell did not give more than one chance.<br/>
<br/>
In other words, he had a reputation for being untouchable and violent. Cold as the ice beneath their feet and ruthless as the stone of their ever present prison.<br/>
<br/>
He seemed infallible. Like nothing could affect him beyond rage. Even his own brother seemed unsure if there was anything left of Fell beyond the boundless droves of burning anger.<br/>
<br/>
His temper was what he most displayed, what he put forward in the world, and it's what everyone knew him for. Not a soul on this earth knew what lay beneath the carefully crafted layers of his person, the armor he wrapped around himself and around his soul.</p><p> </p><p>They didn’t know his deep vulnerabilities or his endless anxieties.<br/>
<br/>
Fell’s bones shook as he slammed his bedroom door closed, the dark dim light of his room only broken by the moonlight pouring through his window. His hands trembled like leaves, and his soul fluttered like a restless bird in his rib cage.<br/>
<br/>
He leaned against the door, tilting his head back as he simply tried to breathe.<br/>
<br/>
The surface had greeted them far more kindly then they expected them too, welcomed their rough forms with open arms. But see that was the problem.<br/>
<br/>
It made them all so soft. So… <em> vulnerable </em> . He was wearing normal clothes for once, minus the gloves. He always had the gloves. And he let his guard down when he shouldn’t have. It was supposed to be a simple thing, just a little gathering to celebrate Red and Fell finally getting a house on the surface after bunking up in a run down shelter with various other monsters.<br/>
<br/>
And it had been, for a while.<br/>
<br/>
Fell was having <em> fun </em> for the first time in what felt like eons. He was only merely scoffing at his brother’s stupid jokes, him and Undyne had been playfully throwing bits of popcorn across the room at each other with increasing force.<br/>
<br/>
Everything was wonderful.<br/>
<br/>
Until Undyne got overzealous. The popcorn turned into Undyne trying to suplex him over their counter, trying to grab him by the throat and noogie his skull until he had a headache. What had been fun became a nightmare to Fell. He did his best to be okay with it. But after being grabbed one too many times he just couldn’t <em> take </em> it!<br/>
<br/>
The rest was a blur, he vaguely remembers Undyne reaching for him and the next thing he knew he was shouting. It's a blur of anger and the joy in the room being sucked out. It’s too hazy for him to remember much more, before he’s suddenly in his bed room.<br/>
<br/>
And now Fell was here, leaning against his door and trying to shake the wild feeling out of his bones, the sensations of phantom bugs crawling up his arms, the static flooding his brain like an ungodly roar. It was too much, too loud-!<br/>
<br/>
He took a shaky breath, stumbling to sit by the window sill, trembling as he kept quiet, swallowing the thick weight in his throat. His arms-no, his <em> body </em> vibrated hard enough that some part of him was so irrationally certain he would <em> crumble </em> and dissolve into small tiny fragments.<br/>
<br/>
The sensation of a million tiny pinprick legs crawling up both arms only seemed to grow. It felt like they were coming from under his gloves, crawling over every old scar and doing their best to make it up to his neck. Never quite reaching past the tops of his shoulders.<br/>
<br/>
The first set of tears prickled in his eyes, and he wasn’t sure what exactly brought the tears, the deep seated anxiety, or the <em> frustration </em> .<br/>
<br/>
He felt… weak and foolish for it. In a world like this being afraid of something so simple-it could get you killed…<br/>
<br/>
But for as long as Fell could remember he’d been this way. His teary eyes drifted away from the window to his trembling hands, hands which had not felt touch since he was small. Bones left by without contact for as long as he was old.<br/>
<br/>
Even when he was a child Fell’s body rejected touch. He was told, once, by his brother that ever since he was an infant he’d throw a fit the moment Red tried to pick him up or cradle him, and he hated holding hands.<br/>
<br/>
And that has never changed, but his perception and understanding of why he threw his fits did… it was a vulnerability.<br/>
<br/>
Fell was afraid of touch.<br/>
<br/>
It sent his bones squirming with discomfort, his heart jolting in fear and his flight or fight instincts would always kick into gear. He got better, with time, forced down the immediate panic responses he wanted to throw out at every little brush.<br/>
<br/>
But it never fully vanished. Some part of him would <em> always </em> be unnerved by it. He could put up with it sometimes but nights like tonight were just… <em> too much. </em> <em><br/>
</em> <em><br/>
</em> The constant ebb and flow, the chasing, the grabbing, the lack of respite.<br/>
<br/>
Every moment counted towards his comfort. The brush of his brother's hand on his back, a pat given in pride, every second of the handshake he and Alphys shared, every pat on his shoulder Queen Toriel gave as she laughed at some story he blandly told. Every little moment counted towards his ability to handle it.<br/>
<br/>
Eventually, feeling weak and fragile, he snapped.<br/>
<br/>
Fell scowled at his own thoughts, pulling his knees up to his chest and holding his ankles lightly.</p><p> </p><p>He felt like he was some broken thing. Someone who couldn’t even hug his best friend or his own brother when they needed him most- when <em> he </em> needed <em> them </em> . It was like being in the same room as the thing you wanted most, but there was an indestructible glass wall right in the way.<br/>
<br/>
He sighed, the noise carrying in the dark room. Fell reached up to swipe at his sockets, feeling like a Babybones sobbing his sockets out, despite the fact he wasn’t really crying that hard. He was slow to move, gently twisting before he reached under his bed, pulling out a small container of disinfectant wipes.<br/>
<br/>
It wouldn’t <em> really </em> fix anything. But it was a comfort, a tool he taught himself to use. Imagining swiping away the touch from his bones with something clean. Like he could erase the mark of touch left on him.<br/>
<br/>
He gently stared at the cloth wipe peeking from the top of it, before tugging it out, starting first with the smallest of sensations, a few gentle swipes on the top of his head, where it didn't quite feel like he was shivering with tingles, but still wrong nonetheless.<br/>
<br/>
And slowly he worked down, over his shoulders, down the length of his arms, gently pulling the gloves off to get underneath, and meticulously swiping from his elbows up.<br/>
<br/>
He shuddered and breathed heavily as slowly it felt like, with each swipe, he became cleaner, he loosened, and the panic, fear, and discomfort in his body vanished. He sighed, glancing at the moon once more, high in the sky.<br/>
<br/>
Fell was a lot of things. Angry. Brutal. Cruel. And he was afraid.<br/>
<br/>
He leaned back until gravity dragged him down, laying on his carpet, closing his eyes as he let the calm, sweet release from his anxiety wash over him. He felt tired, and worn, and horrible. He wasn’t sure if they all were still down there, trying to keep going like his rage never happened, or if Red had shooed them home. He didn’t know if Undyne was still down there, staring at his bedroom door  waiting for him to come back out, or if her and Alphys had left. He wondered if Toriel was still down there, trying to bring back the peace.<br/>
<br/>
He’d just have to find out later.<br/>
<br/>
For now?<br/>
<br/>
He was just tired. He could deal with the rest of it when he woke.</p><p> </p><p>
  <br/>

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